I've posted before about how wonderful it is to be Kaya's mummy and how much I love this new job of being a mummy. But sometimes, like today, I feel like I'm not doing the job well enough. I look at my sister-in-law who works full-time and still manages, with the help of her husband of course, to look after three kids under the age of three without the help of any kind of childcare service. And then I look at me. A stay-at-home mum who has only one child to look after and doesn't even need to worry about cooking (since all meals are provided here) and yet sometimes I feel so overwhelmed like I just can't manage. What's wrong with me?
I've read so many books and researched so many websites about how to be the best kind of mother. And together with my husband, decided that a combination of the principles of attachment parenting and mindful parenting were how we would parent our children. But it's really really hard! And I feel like I'm failing in so many ways. Some of my failures, I understand are mostly out of my control (like not being able to spend as much time as I'd like outside because of the 40+ degree weather, or the spraying of pesticides on the neighbouring farms), but by and large I feel like there is so much more I should or shouldn't be doing. And I often feel like I just don't have the time or the skills or the patience or the personality to do everything right.
Most days I feel like I didn't provide enough learning opportunities or experiences for Kaya's development. I should have planned more games to play with him, or taken him on a nature walk, or read to him for longer, or organised more crafts/painting/drawing/play dough modelling for him, or did some cooking with him, or sang and danced with him, or.... the list goes on. Other days I wish I had just been more attentive. For example, in the playground, by stopping Ky from watching other children fighting and behaving badly, or in the communal restaurant by making sure other parents didn't get the opportunity to give Kaya junk food while I wasn't watching, or in the house when I was cleaning another room, by making sure Ky couldn't reach the remote and turn on the forbidden TV. There have been occasions when Murat and I argued in front of Kaya, which I sadly regret. And there have been times when I've let Kaya do something I'd previously told him not to, just to get him out of my hair.
But the worst thing of all is my feelings of selfishness and how I sometimes resent all the time Kaya "takes from me" when I'd rather be taking a nap, or reading a book, or browsing the internet, or going for a long walk by myself, or taking a long, long shower...
Maybe I should take up meditation to help me become more patient with my job (yeah right! As if I'm going to find time for that!) Or maybe I should stop wasting my 'oh so precious' time on the computer, and instead make use of this time while Kaya's sleeping, to lie down and read that book I've been trying to finish for the past year and a half. Then I'd have no reason to complain that I don't get a chance to read a book! Or better yet, maybe I should just harden up, do my job properly and stop bitching about how hard it is!